How Not To Marry!

I am very sorry yet again for having have not posted a line here inspite of having have promised to do every week.Its not my wish though,many reasons abount for the absence,need i also say i was broke?Anyway,i wasn't going to do this post until a buddy of mine asked if i still do this posts and i was reminded i have obligations to my readers especially those that are on the mailing list for every new blog post.Am not sure what to write about but i guess this issue bothers each and everyone of us who has been on the shelf and feels like we have been on the shelf for far too long and its actually time someone came and picked us for a dish.

Now to marry or not to marry is something that has been on my mind every now and then.When i look at most marriages i shudder at the thought of picking someone for my dish.Most marriages look like a drunkard run over by a cart along wakulima market in downtown Nairobi.Then one comforts himself or herself and says hey mine won't be like so and so's mine will be perfect.I will make sure everything is in its rightful place so my family doesn't suffer and the list goes on.Then comes to the easy yet difficult part of choosing a victim.By victim i mean spouse.I use the word victim because God-willing this person you choose as your victim will have to persevere either your nice and good love or your torturous love so its a two way thing.Victims can be happy or sad so depends on your understanding.

Don't get me wrong,i am committed more than ever to marry or get married... ooops marry coz its only Asian Wahindis who get married but at this rate i might get married also.But this is my understanding and my experience in this journey to nowhere.I hope that by the end of this piece i shall be easily understand coz am normally a victim of being misconstrued even by my potential victims loool!

I have tried to very very unsuccessfully to find a proper person.I have even tried to ask close friends who the ideal person to marry is to no avail.Normally we have ended the conversation in gossip instead of seeking a solution.I am almost saying i will marry by accident.Nevertheless,lets explore how many people have married before us and or will marry after us.Firstly i admire and truly miss how our parents married.There was no much hassle in the process from what am told.All it took was to just to identify,pay and take home but only on one condition,there was supposed to be a sexual intercourse and between the two of them and the result was that the man had to show his peers some blood which basically proved that your mum to be hadn't been sleeping around in any available bed,that is she was like a whole bread yaani mzima mzima or if you like a virgin.But this process has died its natural death over time.

Then the other one is the one i call " you forgot your luggage" !This is the one where some guy feels hen enough and takes to the horizontal position with a girl also feeling hen enough and together they sire a bouncing baby girl but occassionally its a boy.Then the Sod tries to dash away from responsibility to pass it on to another in waiting.Normally this is a setup but in most cases its not.A girl could admire you and then take you down horizontally and then claim the kid is yours and if you are unlucky they will gang with the mother and bribe the area chief and before you know it,she is your wife or you are coughing upkeep for your luggage.I dont think its a good route to marry but either way you are married.Good thing about this method is that atleast one knows how the migingo tastes already so no fear.If you ask me i dont admire this route at all.

Another bizzare one is the one you deliberately page a girl so as to later coerce her into marrying you coz of the kid!This method is not very popular this days as guys are naturaly not ready to take up the challenge,all they want is to sire more Obamas than America needs actually.The proven problem with this one is that the lady will be with you physically but emotionally she will be detached or attached to someone else,and who needs a sad wife anyway.And this reminds me that as a promise i made to myself,my wife shall always be happy so long as am alive.I will do anything maintain the smile even when its the red season(Periods).So i wont take this route coz,when you were enjoying migingo the lady was enjoying it just for the moment and she din't envisage that she will be committed to you for life so naturally the migingo happiness wont translate to marital happiness and i will repeat to say that a sad and resentful wife is a no go for me.So that method is ruled out.

Then there is the other one i call the seminar method.This is where your mother or father arrange the goodiez for you.As for me and whoever will be my wife we vehemently oppose this method upfront.Now a friend of mine whom i have discussed in this forum before is sufferring thanks to this method.He has been murmuring to those that care to listen about how life has become hard under the current regime.By regime i mean the wife.His was an arranged one and both sides are well to do but the guy is an absolute idiot as i have known him all his life and the wife is some sharp wannabe.So naturally she is dominating the show from behind.I dont see why my mother finds it feet to look for a wife for me.By the way let me hasten to note that my mother thinks i have been unable to find a woman thats why am not married.That is why she has been sending me to places she knows there are girls who can become my victims.So she doesn't know that i have heard,read and seen those tricks before.So she has been offering me assistance and you dont wanna know how upset i have been with her unsolicited help.Anyhow,methinks one should look for his own victim and not arranged as it will be the two of you together in the house,the rest will just be spectators in the scramble for migingo.So this route again is out.The only thing i can condone under this is a non arranged hook-up from a friend or close pal!Infact this method is a selfish,insensitive,colonial and barbaric whose aim is conservationist and irrational.

So this begs one question over and over again.How can one marry,or which is the ideal avenue to a good marriage?Firstly i think its identify,court,"test",pay and carry!LoooolHey don't get me wrong on the test!Kwani you can buy a car without knowing its peak perfomance ratings!Kwendeni huko!lool just kidding.I gotta go but before i do,i don't believe in marrying on credit so after you go past the tedious and harrowing identification parade,one should court and pay dowry.Taking someone's girl in a snap with paying any token of appreciation,- infact even God dislikes marrying on credit - pay the dowry and carry the package home.Marrying on credit is disgusting and is the reason most marriages fail.If i marry you,be sure i will pay before i pick you up.The process above is the one i think or find to be ideal.Next time if and only if the credit crunch is over i will give you my five cents on why the identification parade is the reason why we are not married and are doomed to marry by accident.

Hey enjoy yourself and i encourage feedback as usual!Bye and have a nice one guyz!

This is it......................

Hey Ayaaamu backa.For a moment one would think i blog annually coz i just realised the last time i was here was around the same time last year.Funny still i always give more or less the same excuses for not blogging as frequently as i ought to.But many readers would agree that when i was was i, i would blog more often infact sometimes i would manage two blogs.Like the title says this is is it,this is the real me now!I promise that i will be posting atleast once a week and you can take that to the bank as collateral.Lol

Now now, so many changes have grown up in me.Firstly am almost doing a year without the services of a bar maid.In other words i quit the bottle.But hey am suffering,since i quit i dont get the info like it used to flow around when i was boozing,it takes days before it reaches me and am mad about this but either way it reaches me.One would ask me why i quit and am going to give three reasons.Before i do so let me say,that i discovered that there is absolutely no reason for the reckless drinking that we sometimes engage in.I realised we only create excuses to drink our selves silly.Ati stress,joblessness and we all like to preview our funerals co zthe full form of FUN is actually funeral period.So in like abc booz ruined my health,ruined any meaningful relationships i had from clients right into my family members and am not telling you about finances.Right now even if am not a success story,atleast i have peace within me.Somebody say amen.......

Another change that i am undergoing and this is ongoing,i am very very seriously looking for a wife,any ladies out there that are burning to settle down?Hahahahaaaaa damn i envy folks i see driving around with their families with stress tucked beneath, but boy aint they admirable?In short i need a family with an odd number as the total of the kids.Stress zote za familia na zikuje,with or without money niko tayari kupambana nazo anyone thinks otherwise go and sit on a pin.hahahhahaaa just being mean,never mind.

Finally, i discovered that we actually dont have friends!What we have are some mongrels masquarading as friends.Friends only when you buy but enemies beneath.I will elaborate someday prolly in the next post.Nevertheless i have now decided to be choosy in my associations from noow henceforth.

Hey i gotta run.Internet this end of the world comes at the cost ofyour leg and your arm put together.I gotta go and place an advert in the classified section for a wife.Bye Whatever you do Have a nice one folks!

Kissing, sex overrated

A few months ago, I wrote this (with a few modifications of course).

Apparently these (kissing and sex) represent the height of expression, affection, appreciation and all those other gooey words which ever romantic person had the misfortune to chance upon when this definition was being written out.

But lets be honest...how much emotion do you need to put in to achieve this and just what exactly is this “this”.

I am told sex starts in your mind and as we all know, with guys being highly visual creatures, it does not take a lot to have their bodies (and whole selves) react a certain way. Women on the other hand, need quite a bit of work to convince them to actually have sex and most of their acquiesce depends on the state of their emotions. A woman who doesn’t have to deal with the emotional overload brought on by the feeling of sexual “frustration” while a man on the other hand might be desperate enough to pay someone one to have sex with him.

And there lies the difference between women and men. By the time a man can pay to sleep with a woman, he is looking for short term release and evidently does not care who it is with. Bottom line, find someone to use your

To be fair, the woman does allow such payment to happen but in most cases, she is looking at a long term goal, a means to make money to buy food, for example. Women do not necessarily have to be paid to have sex but as is the case with most people (or most men), they assume women need some sort of “financial settlement”. And which woman is going to say no? I have actually heard women say they walk out of relationships because their partners think they are there just for financial reasons and since that is all they are getting (and it clearly is not enough), they walkout. Something to think about, isn’t it?

On the moral front, depending on your belief system or which house helper you had growing up, you were probably told not to engage in sex before you were married as it was termed “bad manners”. The mode of this particular education varies from home to home and I know some people who were so traumatized as children they will not even say the word sex.

In fact, there was this one girl (Doreen) who after a divinity paper at school (A’ Level) timidly confessed to us that she had used a bad word on her exam and she was feeling uncomfortable about it. Since I had done the said paper, I was curious as to know what this word was as I did not think I had used it and yet the future of my exam result might have hinged so strongly on the word. After a few minutes of prodding, turns out the word was “sex”. I was amused to say the least. A few years on, I am glad to report, that last I heard, Doreen was married so I am guessing she dealt with that particular phobia.

If we are taught (growing up) that sex is bad manners which loosely translates into “sin”, how then does it become acceptable when you are married? That’s a question I would like answered some day. I am yet to find someone I would deem knowledgeable enough to give me an honest answer. So if you know someone, please redirect, thank you.

But enough about morality and being committed to bettering yourself, resisting temptation and all those other clichés. We live in a world that preaches free will- taking each experience and learning from it- living life to the fullest. I am guessing that’s a directive to EVERY aspect of life after all everyone knows tomorrow is a gift and therefore is not guaranteed, so live today like you do not have a tomorrow!

Pretty irresponsible way to live your life to some extent, in my humble opinion, of course.

In an ideal world, we would all have that one relationship. You meet prince charming (who you have prayed for for a long time), he does his thing, you get married, have children and live in the white house and grow organic food. The reality is you probably will not marry the first boy you crush on or kiss or want to have babies with.

I have often heard people say things like “when you know you know”. Romantic and entirely reaching, in my opinion. I have two things to say “My foot!”

I have heard people say such glorious things about sex but when you really think about it, its just mouth here, tongue there, nip here, than you very much.

The question then becomes, what do you do once you have had this “glorious” adventure? What is left to discover? What new thing are you going to do once the deed is done????

I am told that if you believe sex is overrated, you are not doing it right. I wonder how many “encounters” you had to go through to come to that conclusion… that’s all I am asking.

That was a post some months ago. I got so many reactions it was amazing and interesting because depending on who said what, the conclusion (advice) was all a twisted.

The things that stood out the most were I should go out and have sex, or stay in and wait till I am “safely married” to experience the joy of the moment or just get help because clearly I have ISSUES. And of course, if I am “complaining” so much, I am not doing it right.

The one question everyone failed to answer was one I asked before. What do you do once you have had this “glorious” adventure? What is left to discover? What new thing are you going to do once the deed is done????


Original post and comments.

Things working against you

Sometime ago I was watching The Apprentice Africa (TAA) (it’s a show that gathered 18 contestants from across Africa who compete for a favorable corporate job complete with perks, training and what not) and I felt sorry for Nancy Kalembe, one of Uganda’s representatives on the show. This by the way was the episode thingy in which she was fired.

Apparently you are always advised to make presentations as if you are presenting concepts to people who have no idea about the subject matter. This can be a daunting task and a bit tricky because you have to be careful about deciding how “dumb” your audience is.

The task that got Nancy fired concerned them selling Nigeria to the world, I think, so it involved a lot of strategy in form of media and other marketing strategy. As fate would have it, Nancy was the leader of the said task so basically her word was law and as if fate had one more trick under its sleeve, it place one Eunice Omole in her path.

Now as far as I know, Nancy understands advertising and marketing concepts, her team mates of the other hand were not as averse so this presented problems right from the get go.

When you (practicing media person) ask questions like “who is the audience” continuously it’s not because you don’t know your target, its more to refocus discussions. Her team mates interpreted this to mean she was not focusing on the task at hand and was irresponsible and an inept leader.

I felt sorry for poor Nancy because I could understand where she was coming from. At that point, she had been up for possible eviction about five times and you could clearly see the fight had gone out of her. She looked like she had reached her peak and did not give a hoot… I don’t blame her.

Hustling By Day..........Tallying By Night!......................

I am still having my woes and trying to square them out.Am not yet out the woods yet but am seeing a candle lit at the end of the tunnel.This week has been particularly agonising for me and as we come to its end we look forward to yet another one with hope of making the best of it.Like the old saying goes,the more things change the more they remain the same.

Elsewhere, am seriously weighing my options about moving.The same place am putting up is the same place i was putting up before the shit that was post election violence.After the chaos hotted up some of us who came from not so favourable,subscriber(Read Tribe) had to move.All i did was that i secured what i could and dashed off to safer havens.Some people took advantage and pilfered my items but then that was inevitable in the face of the problem that was post election violence!So after things cooled off and each side took what it rightfully or wrongfully deserved i moved back to my hacienda(Read Estate/Home).So all i did was sanitise and move on with my life.

But ever since i have been having a problem and its not one of my own making but purely out of either circumstance,structural or otherwise.I will briefly describe SNW.

SNW5

To keep this brief.The initials above are that of my house .The place in which i put up is one among those places you could admire to put up.Reasons are it has only eight units which translates to seven neighbours person.Another good thing is that the current neighbours are never bothered with each other so everyone with his or her own business.But one discouraging thing is that recently some IDP like looking neighbours moved in to two or so units were left vacant in the face of the recent skirmishes.Its not them who irritate me most,its their kids who are all noisy and cheeky.This prompts the mothers to keep shouting at them and i find this irksome especially in the mornings as they prepare to go to school and late into the nights.
The other problem has to do with the structuring of the house.The units are not storeyed.So we have the usual roof.We sort of share a single ceiling thus one can follow the ongoings of the other unit just as if you were in the same room.This is so because every room has an entry into the ceiling and never mind its closed.

Mistallying!

I am not very sure if i normally tally well or i normally do otherwise.This is what has been making me seriously think of shifting to another place,but where will i get the comfort of my current place tallying notwithstanding.Now i read before on some other blog on why Kikuyu women go after Luhya men and i thought it was the normal stereotypes that fly around us.SNW6 is my next neighbour.The guy is a luhya.Now everynight i get home from hustling,i undergo a literal nightmare.You see i think i suffer from insomnia.I hardly get sleep till late in the night.This is pertly due to the fact that i am a Daily Drinking Officer (DDO).So on the days i have been unlucky not to have colour for booze i head straight home  and stare at the ceiling till i finally catch sleep.So my next door neighbour on the left when gazing at the ceiling,hooked this kikuyu girl/lady.

So when i get home they are either watching telly or chatting as it were.Then as we get into the night,the luhya starts offloading the merchandise in her.Am told they are called vitu thats why i equate  "them" with merchandise.So as the act progresses,the girl keeps making noises at intervals ,such as those of climaxing.So everytime i hear the wails i normally tally it as a lap or is it coming am told around here????The other day i tallied four and slept off.This four were not in intervals but a continous process and i was amazed by the bull in the man.So i proved the blog right,by ethusing that luhya men are real bulls!So am not even saying what goes through me when the bed is creaking and the wailing.I feel my sexual rights have been traversed.Its like we are literally sleeping in the same room.I wonder what makes them imagine i am fast asleep.The guy knows i normally upload alcohol and why he assumes am always drunk is beyond my skull.
I cant tally anymore i guesss,am in some sort of a box.

So i am still Hustling by day and tallying by Night.®